The Party Rescuer

Now, this has to be some sort of a miracle. Like life’s sending you signals which gets decoded as ‘life is a party, make sure you rock it’. Ok! The miracle part, so I was in the middle of an almost third-world crisis, when a close friend had a mad break-up on her birthday. So, she calls me at 2:00AM IST to discuss this issue, when I’m in deep slumber. After a non-stop wail for 1 hour she decided to call off her party. So, I being the good friend decided to organise a party and how do I do that in less than an 12 hours to plan.

I organised the guest list and nobody could come up with anything concrete. And the next stop was finding an online source, and boy! Did I find a great one? The website, karloparty.com, was a life saviour. It has everything one needs to plan a party anywhere in Mumbai. And so, the party was planned well within time and we partied HARD.

Thanks for saving the day, karloparty.com and yes ‘life’s a party, so rock it.’  

Abuse and Liberation

When a child aged 7 is violated there is not much she can do other than feeling uncomfortable.

When the same child is abused at the age of 8,  she's creep-ed out of her senses. The inner shock of something repeating starts to blend with an adult voice that creeps in and says Shhh! don't tell anybody. But, the child being over-smart decides to go and tell it after all. But, things change as she enters the room filled with adults, who rush her into changing clothes without hearing her out. After an hour of trying to talk, she's dragged to a different house and things change. Hope returns.

A few months later, in a different city, the same thing repeats and the kid this time is disgusted. But again, she tells nobody about it. She jumps with joy when a man rescues her, but the adult is too smart to cover his traces. He doesn't get caught, instead she gets scolded for playing alone in a terrace. Hope starts its descent.

The girl now, has no idea about things happening to her and decides to keep a distance from the unknown opposite gender. Hope makes a slow-paced entry.

She faces a couple of more such situations but this time she runs away from the predator and never talks to them ever again. In fact they realise their mistake and do not try to make any contact with her.

Years pass and the girl realises the things that happened to her does not happen to everybody. Child Sexual Abuse, though common was not widely spoken about until recently. It is hard for her to digest and even harder to accept that someone could think this hideously about a child. As time passes, she slowly accepts herself and confesses to a close friend. Things have been better since then, if not great.

But, the abuse is far from over. The girl is looked as a sexual object by many members from certain gender claiming to be men. She gets fantasised, talked about in abusive words and is an easy prey to beastly eyes.

It's not easy to survive with a baggage this heavy. And I know someone who does it with utmost pride about being a woman. Though, she breaks down every once in a while, she has decided to fight it from the inside. Being a woman, with responsibilities and traditions showering upon you, living with CSA is never easy. But, again we could go on about what is easy.

To forgive yourself and accepting that it wasn't your fault is all it takes to feel liberated. Once the confidence returns, handling the accusers is just a matter of time.

Coming to terms with something of this sort has been tough especially with an orthodox family hovering over you.  It's been a roller coaster ride, that I decided to refuge myself . I shunt myself and let my self-esteem plummet to an all time low. I'm a nervous wreck. And hoping to bounce back, if not later, now. 

I know this hasn't been my best post, or a free flowing one. But, this was much needed to get back into the groove. Thus, the experimentation with the third person speech.

A lousy 2013 - Update

After shifting through almost three cities in the last one year, I'm back to parents home and this time with the closest I can get to a real job. But, that's probably the only half-decent thing that happened to me 2013, which could otherwise be known as THE.WORST.YEAR.EVER. (TWYE - WTF) Okay, Gods up in the clouds (who give rains in winter) don't give me all that evil smile and say your life's just started. I've heard enough of that crap from all the 25 year old's in my life. 

Now, that it's December, the joy of who's arrival seems like I've overcome an apocalypse, I really need to have an update of what made 2013- WTF. What better place than a blog entry on a blog that I frequented less than four times this year, Yeah! it's coz of the bad year and being caught on a job that required me to write about Hindi television serials. #killer

It started off pretty well, with a trip to Kolli Hills which was everything but boring. So, after an amazing (where my lungs got cleared - pollution free air and all) trip and an almost great January, we move to Feb, about which I don't remember much.  For starters, I had pretty lousy December 31, 2012 as against an amazing 2011 December (Also, New Year's eve) . And that's when you get to know about how your year would turnout. It's important to have a good start, more for psychological, mind pleasing reasons than anything else.

March 2013 - a game changer in so many ways. A month where I realised I'm not as strong as it seemed, I can't stand up for myself when people are screaming at me and I take blames even if I wasn't responsible for any. A month where, I-am-a-mature-person and have an high self-esteem got crumpled. What I dint know then was, in the next few months as I'm helped by someone to get over it, I would fall in the same pit again. And this time the blow would be mind-numbing. So, after a 3 am scream fight that blew my confidence away and that involved calling names, I retracted into a cocoon. 

Since March almost killed my spirits, April, the most crucial month of the year considering the placements were around the corner, made things worse after I failed to land a job due to favouritism politics in college (I'm not playing the blame game, oh common I knew people who hadn't completed half of their placement tests get jobs). Also, more on that would follow soon.

May was damp except for a new entrant in life who promised to stick along forever and almost got me out of depression before pushing me down the drain. 

June was great, after I landed a lousy job in BOMBAY. Yeah! only Bombay mattered to me at that point. So, after 3 amazing months at grandmom's house and making a happy set of friends things started to look up.

And then September showed up and things were never the same again. 

The ego is a fascinating monster.
Alanis Morissette

And a man's boosted ego is probably the biggest monster a person would ever endure. Because he's an animal at that point and does not realise that he's crumbling way too many things in a bid to establish his superiority. 

So, this man got offended coz I called him a dog and would go on to call me names and threaten to destroy me if I would ever try to say anything that he ever told me. It was not devastating at all coz exactly 7 months back I went through a similar thing. This time I knew how to handle it (considering it involved a chauvinistic male) just that a little something in me had broken. My trust was in shambles and I still have no idea how to resurrect it.  

After a never ending October and a happier November ( I landed an awesome job), its almost the end of the year.

Coming to think of it, WTF doesn't seem that bad on paper, but given my history of almost never facing such adversities, it's been quite a roller coaster ride.

I've learnt to stand for myself and never to trust a fellow human being. With a baggage of failed relationships and a love life that went horribly wrong, I sincerely hope to have an awesome New Year's eve.

2014 - Bring it on. Whatever you have in store, would be made doubly awesome with my rekindled never-give-up  spirit. 

Moments of pain

Some searing moments of pain, makes you go back in time and relive some moments, that most probably define your life today.

It was a lazy Saturday, when the news of a close relative being in the last stages of life reached us. As we pulled through the weekend, thinking about the moments spent, he was counting his last few minutes before leaving for a life beyond human imagination.

I don't remember the last time I met him, but this incident has made me realise that relationships can never be taken for granted. You never know when they might be gone. And today I might be a little more sadder than the rest, because I never bothered to make an extra effort to maintain relationships. Easier said than done, I might just make those phone calls and visits. I have learnt to value people and moments.

This news is probably a reminder that, life waits for none and you better make the most of it before you lose a track of it.

And Thatha (Grand Father), I haven't spent too much time with you. But, Patti (Grand Mom) keeps telling me about how much love and care you had for the family. RIP. Hope you have an amazing after life too.

I'm just another survivor

Girl meets boy, at a random long walk/common friends/social networking/childhood love interest, they fall in love. Life seems to be a bliss until the blues creep in. His behaviour suddenly becomes unbearable and she comes across as bitchy. By this time one of the two is madly in love (read: Obsessed). And the blame game starts. #forlorn-true-love-story.

Most of the time, the story ends there. The stronger ones get over and find different partners. A majority section though finds it difficult to get over and kill themselves. 

Its a sad story that the person whom you considered as the love of your life is the same one to trigger your death. It ain't easy, of course. But, then nothing is. 

Some months ago, I opened my facebook as part of a wake up routine and I had my news feeds filled with RIP Jiah messages. I started feeling amused at her decision to give up life at such an early age, the news about the reason for her death started surfacing. And her suicide letter was out.

What seems to be a result of a failed story is actually the story of a lot of people. A lot of lives have been taken and few have surfaced strong. Everyday, as I talk to people I only hear stories about how their love lives have been crippled or how a new person has bowled them over. A higher percentage of them actually don't seem to realise that there are many things involved in a relationship, just good looks and charm don't constitute life. And most of these are teenagers, who fall in the block of 15 to 19 years of age. 

I know how it feels when people around you are talking away about their boy friends while you have none. But hang in there for a while. Not all those who are in a relationship are happy, not all do it as part of a trend there are some who actually believe it and there are others who tend to do it just for the heck of it. Its just a matter of time before you meet somebody who actually deserves you.

Peer pressure generally leads to relationships with any random person. There's no escaping it, but being strong and self-confident. Anyways, giving up life is too easy and nobody is worth your life. Ten years down the line you would just be a far fetched memory, so why ruin your life just to escape the momentary pain of loss.

Life is worth living. I know all this is too philosophical but, sometimes some experiences change everything.

I'm just another survivor.

Falling back on track

Life has become a big joke, so big that I haven't understood it at all. Its been a tough year already. Tough enough to make me believe that, 

"Anything that doesn't kill you, makes you strong."

After my graduation from the college, I came back a rather happy soul for somebody who does not have a job. But, in a bid to get one, things went awry. I came across a person, who I din't know then, would completely dismantle my life. 

Its funny how I get close to people without flinching a bit. And the funniest part is, the rest of the world seems unimportant throughout the time I'm with them. So, yeah, I'm tired of crying over spilled milk. Things went wrong and I ditched people around me only to realise and fall back on track, or some thing like that.

And good things happened too! 

I have a job in Bombay. My favorite city in the whole wide world. It make me so happy that I don't care about the world, partly because nobody in Bombay cares about you. Everybody is so busy that do not have time to hold back and judge you. It's a city that celebrates life in whatever little means possible. And probably this is where I got my courage, right at the start of my life, when I spent the first few years growing up here.

The daily train travel is probably the highlight of the whole I-love-Bombay-obsession. So, everyday when I start from the office and walk about a good 15 mins to reach the station, I'm barge through the crowd to reach the ladies section of the platform. Getting into a train from my station is pretty easy, but, the worst part comes when Dadar station arrives. For people who aren't aware of Dadar, its the busiest area in Bombay. Its a transitional point for people who have to change trains form central to western or western to harbour or central to harbour (I know it's confusing, you have to live there to understand it). So, Dadar has a sea of people. As a friend aptly put it, its a fish market sans fishes. Now, since I have to get down at the very next station, I can't dare to move anywhere away from the place right next to the door. And people in Dadar can't see me standing and have to barge into the train even before it stops, or worse even before the passengers get down. Any which ways, they all end up hitting me. Women in Dadar are like horses, they have no idea about anybody around them, except the rod in the compartment, which they have to reach, in order to get in. So, people almost walk over me everyday, not that it has helped in reducing my weight. 

Apart from that, I'm just learning about life, the biggest teacher ever. And hoping that things get better. 

Also, it's Bombay time all the way for me!

After a long hiatus

Forgetting your roots is a crime. That makes me a criminal of first order. Really!

Okay. Blogging has not been a priority in the last year because I was writing different things elsewhere. I now have some three blogs and many articles. It's been a hectic year. 

I learnt,

Journalism isn't just about good English and writing but also involves news searching and making/maintaining contacts. So, the whole year went by in meeting some media honchos, politicians, localites, tribal's and travelling all over Chennai.

Lets start with Chennai. It certainly is not the best city, but it isn't very bad after all. The infrastructure sucks but the modes of commutation are well connected. The chats are terrible but dosa/idli/sambar do their bit to salvage. The language is a problem for the non-Tamil speaking population. And this is where I became famous. So, I was the girl who could effortlessly communicate in English, Hindi and Tamil. And considering that the maximum population at the college were from the northern side, my translation skills came into play. Thus, the rescuer/ basic Tamil teacher (mostly included, bargaining with auto guys) was born. It was fun listening to people from diverse community making so much effort to learn a language. #thishappensonlyinIndia.

#knownfact: Chennai has the worst auto drivers ever. 

#unknownfact: I have a fight with auto drivers in every city I go. Some past life connection, just doesn't allow an auto driver to have his way or win an argument when I am his passenger. But, Chennai, at first, just wouldn't let me have my way. So, I just unlearnt some tactics and learnt them again from a gujju roomie. Oh yes! Gujju's are born with bargaining skills and yeah Chennai auto driver's succumbed to her bargaining whims. We had the final laugh.  

The course was super tight, although our website never went live. Let bygones be bygones.

Hostel life also teaches you to eat at 3 am and finish a TV series at one go. Throughout my stay I have watched innumerable movies and English sitcoms. Sometimes I feel, this was the only thing I did. Jokes apart.

Apart from that I travelled all throughout Chennai and have become 4 shades darker. 

Chennai why you not have a winter?

Coming to winter. This winter I was in the midst of snow and the ice cold beas river, MANALI. Well, I was thrilled to bits and cold till my bones, but, had an amazing holiday. Also, I was in Delhi before going to Himachal. Delhi meant unlimited shopping with my super aunt. Delhi also has an amazing metro and good looking men. If only it was a little more safer, it would be my destination to settle down at. 

After the two back to back holidays, I went on another holiday cum work destination -Kolli Hills. The picturesque location is in Nammakal district of Tamil Nadu. As part of the course, we had to go on a rural reporting trip. Oh boy! It was one fun trip. Great memories and even better stories. 

The one year of staying away also taught me lessons that would last a lifetime. For now, I am relaxing and enjoying the little break, before I join work, and experiencing some unwanted surprises.

Apart from the rest, I am going to explore my brand new camera and delve into the much needed exercise. The updates would be posted more frequently.

Watch this space for more.

To the best person ever...

This one's exclusively for you, my critique;

One year ago;

As for the new friend (I never told this), You came in when I needed somebody desperately. You impressed/ floored, understood, spoke when I needed somebody the most and spoilt my surprises. In No time you became special. Thanks for everything.

A year, and we've evolved. 

By the way, you still spoil my surprises.

I no more need to thank you for everything, for now its understood. 

We understand each other better than anybody else can, perks of growing as people in a relationship. 

I admire you for your calmness and loathe you for the same. The extrovert that I am, being discreet about any expression is impossible and you bring the tinge of calmness and steal the show. #not done!

Too many things have been expressed already but still the right word to describe the you seems missing. 

If any such word exists,

You are #onefreakingawesomelyamazingoutofthisworldfantabulousperson. 

Whatever may happen to the world on 21st Dec, 2012, you'll be one of the best parts of my life. 

To many more, peaks of glory and wonderful days ahead, CHEERS!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  

Living a dream

One and a half months in ACJ has redefined life.

If coming to the best journalism school is an achievement, then staying here and going through the entire ordeal is rewarding. Having the best journalists across the world speak to you is a life time opportunity. 

The daily schedule of modules is a learners paradise. If TV got me to capture Karunanidhi and Indian cricket team on the camera, then editing and writing have been giving food to the fodder. The teachers are experienced journalists from different sections of the media. Their experience just enhances the lectures and takes it a notch above.

If the daily classes are mind boggling, then coming to the hostel is crazy. And having the biggest room in the hostel coupled with amazing roommate's only adds to the craziness. The microwave maggi, ready made food, late night chattering, getting up minutes before the class, I'm loving this life. I yearned for this.

First few days at ACJ, gave me culture shocks. Now, its fun to sit down and study each peculiar character here. There is a Foucault freak, a music freak, chatter boxes and many book worms. ( I'm still discovering people) 

With broadened horizons, open book exams and  a trip home, I have enough to look up to in the coming weeks. 

   

Too much of me is made from what I have learned from you

From the times I squealed to the time I left on my own path,

From the times I whined to the time when I pine for you,

From the falls of failures to the peak of success,

You have been my inspiration.

From the gallows of fear to the crest of confidence,

You held my hand throughout.

Today when I look back,

I realise, that you were the epitome of my journey.

As unfair as it can get, nature played its ploy,

You are not here.

But, too much of me is made from what I have learned from you.

And I’ll owe you this all my life.

Dedicated to someone who spread love selflessly and was a great source of support for life.

An update : Life in Chennai

I am loving my new life.

The college part, the hostel, the friends, the late night talks, the microwave maggi and the whole idea of being a journalist. This new phase is exciting and extremely challenging. But, yes I'm loving it.

The course is well structured and very detailed. More about it later.

First about the city, it's a perfect blend of traditional and modern culture. You'll find a short skirt and spaghetti top wearing girl in the same street as a lady wearing a fully covered traditional 9 yard Saree. I like that. Otherwise, Chennai is relatively adverse to immigrating crowd. It doesn't accept you easily. On strictly comparative terms, Mumbai as a city accepts you instantly and I have heard this from 7 out 10 people, apart from experiencing it. I agree Mumbai and Chennai are two different cultures altogether, but in Chennai you'll have to blend in and then you'll start loving it, while Bombay is more spontaneous. I am still blending into Chennai. Hopefully I'll accept Chennai and Vise-e-versa.

About the hostel, its my first time. So, the feeling is nice. I love my room and my roomies are amazing. We have gelled in so well that the room is home. And I look forward to coming back. The other hostelites are fun too, some are giving me culture shocks though. But, yes as told by a friend , ACJ is a melting pot of cultures.

About the course, its strenuous but fun. My first two weeks went in learning about TV tools and techniques. I know how to use a camera and report from a place. After the first week we were given an assignment of going around the city to get news and report about it. Later we had to put all the news together and present a news show. So, a group of 17, was divided into three per group. So, my all girls group first went to Anna arivalayam ( DMK headquarters ) to report about a press meet that was to be held regarding the presidential polls. 


It was a life time experience. I was the only girl holding a camera in my hand and running through the crowd just to catch a glimpse of Karunanidhi and gain marks. The whole set of ministers who were siting in the hall found it amusing that a girl was holding a camera and shooting them. I loved it though. The next news was the launch of new jersey for the Indian cricket team. And yes, I saw the cricketers. The jersey was horrendous, it was neon green in colour. Still, for a first timer the experience of shooting a big politico and players of a cricket team is freaking awesome. The pre production work was tiring and the final shoot was good.


Apart from that, a truck load of happiness crashed into my door. And it felt amazing. Details coming soon. 


Otherwise, I have learnt to take things in my stride and move on.


Hoping for some more amazing experiences. 
   

Khuda Hafiz Hyderabad. Vanakkam Chennai.

Finally, its time to bid good bye.

I always had a very negative attitude towards change when I was young. I remember when my Dad came home from work in mid 1999 and made a big announcement of being promoted and transferred to Hyderabad. I was all of 8 years old and did not give much thought about the transfer part. I was only excited about the travelling. So, when days to move came closer I did not react much to people saying emotional words. I was only too happy to receive the gifts. ( Ignorant and materialistic, nah, I was only 9 and loved gifts and dinner parties.) The day when we finally bid adieu to Mumbai, I was numb and didn't want to leave.

After the travel in 2 tier A/c compartment for the first time, we landed in Hyderabad. I hated it at first sight. It was too messy and people were rude ( I come to conclusions a little too quickly ). We were then escorted to our new house, and boy! I fell in love with it. It was BIG. I had a room of my own. I didn't need anything else. Then the first day at school and I realised Hyderabad is not that bad after all. I was showered with praises and awards the first year itself. Slowly, Hyderabad became home and Mumbai a summer-vacation-at- grand mom's-home spot.

Now, another change after 12 years. This time I'm going alone. Leaving home is difficult, but moving is inevitable.

 I'm going to miss a lot of things.


My room and its cozy bed, the smell of freshly cooked food and nagging by amma, the everyday scoldings and making up by appa, the typical Hyderabadi Hindi , the fight with autowallahs almost daily, the long drives at tank bund, the greenery of the colony, the mirchi bajji, the pani puri, the irani chai and some amazingly awesome friends.


Yes, I'm going to miss this like hell. But all good things come to an end. 


Its time to say Khuda hafiz Hyderabad. And Vannakam Chennai. :) 

Disguised Blessing.

I was on a monthly visit to the super market with my parents ( Its been like a mini picnic since we landed at hyd), when something unusual happened. We came out with four huge bags, dumped them in the dikki and went to drink sugarcane juice. Just as we stepped out of the shop,a lady came running towards my Mom. My Mom moved away in defense and the lady was talking slowly taking ample of breaks to breath.

My Mom would hear none and sat into the front seat of the car. She pleaded looking at me and started telling that she wasn't a beggar. She then told us that, she was suffering from liver cancer and was finding it difficult to even move. But, she wanted to secure her son's future and leave him at her sister's house in Bangalore. She had her adoption papers in her hand. She just wanted Rs. 70, which would help her save some money and help her son reach Bangalore. All this was narrated in English.

It could have been a ploy, but her eyes were pleading for help. There was too much pain in them. She was well read, which could be easily guessed with the way she communicated. It left me wondering about a lot of things and how everything turns upside down in matter of seconds? How somethings are never in our hands?

It made me feel blessed. Yes, I should have felt that way before I saw her, but I was too caught in my own thought web that I was shutting myself up because somethings were going in a different direction. I kept thinking about things that weren't going my way all the time sidelining all the achievements or love that I have been blessed with. It feels good to count your blessings because at times life has to be looked from different angles.

All the things that have been happening over the past one week has been an experience. Things are changing rapidly and luckily I'm coping through them very well. Its not easy to leave everything behind, but when you have made the choice you've made it. There's no looking back.

These small things are making me realize some big things in life.

Just before she left, she looked at me and said "God Bless You" and I silently prayed for her well being all the while thanked her for what she had taught.

When your let down, look around and look at the people who think you are their reason for living. You'll have a very being reason to smile.

In the end everything will fall into place and you'll know why exactly things didn't happen the way you wanted. Also, not everyone is as blessed as you are. So, smile not getting a message from your crush, not getting your favourite ice cream or not getting the clothes you wanted for some body's pajama party is no reason to be sad. There is something more to life than these things. The minute you realize that, you'll get a better control over life and its share of ups and downs.

Mission Accomplished.

The mission has been accomplished. 

http://www.asianmedia.org/admissions/firstlist.asp

I got into my dream college. I had no hopes of getting through, considering my deadly GK paper and the dreadful interview. Doesn't matter anymore. They decided to look beyond my screwed up but insightful answers and took me in. YAY! It hasn't sunk in yet. So, my celebration would go a little different. Each time I realise what's happening, I go crazy and scream and laugh and blabber, thus causing irritation-which-cannot-be-expressed to my entire family who are asleep or trying to not open their eyes. 

Coming to the interview.

The scene was like this:

It was a panel interview. They were 3 very old people, 1 middle aged and 1 mid 20's female. 

This was how they sat, with an addition at the left hand side. They were extremely sweet and grilled me in a very sweet way as well. I had not prepared at all. I never prepare for interviews. The answers are always spontaneous. 

I very confidently walked into the room, sat down and they started shooting questions. I answered all of them real quick, except for the last one. The question was, why the GDP had gone down? And I slumped. After a lot of thinking and blanking out totally I gave them a very sheepish smile saying INFLATION (that was the only remote idea I had about GDP ). The man in the middle chuckled and said what about exports. And I caught the point and said global economy has gone down and the importing countries have no money, so, the GDP has gone down. He smiled and said I'm done. And I smiled as at how I managed to answer from the blink of the black hole. 

Now, a BIG Thank You to everybody who stood by me, bore my nonsense and extreme mood swings. You guys are awesome. My Mom who truly believed that I could make through when everybody said I was making a blunder and Dad for being my strongest support even though he's still not convinced with my decision. AND a big special thank you to my biggest critique and the official holder of the world's most awesome person. You are the best person I have ever known. Thank you for being there.

Its celebration time. I'm smiling from end to end and can't stop beaming. So, I get into one of Asia's premier institutions. AWESOME.

Chennai Calling.

To hold on or to let go

Perhaps, part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight for so long, is because we fear that something so great wont happen twice.




Part of a reason why we let something go, is because we get tired of holding something tight while we are let hanging in the loose.


To let go or to hold on, depends upon the people who are involved. If a decision is made to hold on, it should be a mutual one and not a singular one. 


To hold on is any day tougher that to let go. To let go is liberating if emotional strings are cut off.


Hold on, if you know its worth it. Let go, if you can.

Surprises Galore.

Surprises and shocks have been the order of the day. While I made plans of surprising my family, life planned a better one for me.

I got through the first round of my dream college. Its half mission accomplished. I remember writing how the exam's GK paper got out the hidden power in me to see the marvels of night sky in broad day light. The examiner would have also seen the same reading my analytical and insightful answers and called me for an interview to just get more information on my hidden powers. Anyways, I get to go and attend the interview.

There is a small hiccup though. Two of my interviews are clashing. And there is a lot of opposition. Problems are part of life, I know. And yes, I am putting my foot down and standing up. This time I am winning.

On the surprise I planned:

I landed up in Bombay, without informing anybody and surprised paati (Granny)  and my cousin who was celebrating her 16th birthday. The rest knew I was coming. So, they were surprised and speechless for sometime. And I was too ecstatic to have successfully accomplished the plan and of course the feeling of being in Bombay.

So, let's see how things plan out. My mom just read an horoscope in a Tamil magazine that said 'nothing is going right in my life'. And I decided to look beyond it and say Mr. Astrologer and all the stars who are plotting against me, all the best. I am going for the kill.

The crazy sunday and a glimmer of hope.

It took me one crazy exam to figure out what mess my life is in?

Trust me on the crazy exam part, I could see stars, moons, planets, asteroids, comets, dinosaurs, even the new solar system that the hairless scientists have found. The paper had so many names, I dint even know some of those even exist in this world, leave alone their occupation ( The exam was on GK ). After the initial panic, I gave up and started laughing at the questions. I couldn't do anything better.

The best part was when a girl remarked after the exam 'I am flunking. What the hell was that?' and relief set in. When you know a fellow exam taker has written as badly as you have, the feeling of you not being alone in the war against the brains that dint work and the brains that set this damn question paper is simply awesome.

And then came the movie I was longing to see, Ishaqzaade. It was about honour killing. The songs were good and the movie was okay.

Coming to the messed up part.

So, I came back from the movie with a friend with whom I had a long conversation about many things. That talk made me hit back to the reality. I have this habit of going into the fantasy world when things don't go right. I switch off for a while and this time that became my abode for a very long time. So, when reality came gushing at me like the tsunami, I couldn't take it. And the rest is mathematics.*

On why I entered the fantasy world? I had a big exam and I left my JOB for it. So, I screwed up the exam, is unemployed and the reality pangs are still not sinking in. Whatte life macha!

There is a glimmer of hope though, I got through the Xavier's entrance exam  and have an interview soon. Hope its Bombay calling again. :D

*And the rest is mathematics - All through my school life I kept cursing that one person who invented maths. It was fine till class 4 ( the only time I got a 99 ), but later I started flunking. And dint know what the hell was going wrong. That's exactly how I felt when I came out of my fantasy world.

nervous post.

I have an impending result tomorrow and a BIG exam on Sunday. No doubt, I have been acting weird.

I have been away from all these exams and results stuff for almost a year. Coming back to them feels odd. And this time I don't even have people to share my nervousness with. Crap, this is not happening one wee bit to me.

About the exam preparation, I have been watching the seventh season of how I met your mother. And also planning for a movie post exam. I can get incorrigible at times. Lets see how it goes.

Unpalatable experience.

A first hand account of an unpalatable experience that shook me up.

I had one hell of an experience, travelling from Coimbatore to Chennai, couple of weeks back by a bus.

I was going alone. There was nobody sitting in the seat beside mine.There was another guy who was sitting on the other side. Even he did not have anybody sitting beside him. And the journey to hell started.

I was excited about travelling alone for the first time. I ensconced in my seat and switched on my music player and drifted into my dream world. I wasn't able to sleep, so,  I woke up and moved the curtains to see where we were. After a while, I fell asleep only to be woken up by continuous shakes. It was a lady and her daughter from behind. Even before I could realise what was happening she started warning me about the guy sitting on the other side. Apparently, he was staring at me continuously and his intentions didn't seem to be good. It was 2:30 am and the bus had stopped at a toll gate. It took sometime for the information to sink in.

The bus then started and my heart beat raised all of a sudden. I had always been a fighter kid and was never scared to shout or fight if somebody was misbehaving. But this time I was scared. I didn't know what was happening. Just about that time the guy put his hand on the seat beside mine and I shrieked. The minute he realised I wasn't sleeping ( my head was turned towards the window side ) he took his hand back and kept looking at me. I turned to shout but I couldn't. Fear gripped me. It was 4:00 am by then and Chennai was about 3 hours away.

I didn't know what to do, so I messaged a friend for some words of strength. I didn't get a reply. I turned towards the window and tears engulfed. I was too tired by then and was fighting to keep my eyes open. After an hour I turned to look at him and realised he wasn't there. The bus hadn't stopped anywhere so he couldn't have got down. Just when I started to think that, I was probably over reacting, a hand hit my right thigh. Before even I could realise what was happening the guy was looking behind from the front seat and I lost my senses. I screamed at him in English and started shivering so much that I wasn't even able to abuse him. People in the bus then took notice but nobody came around to scold him. The guy meekly said Sorry and I couldn't shout more. I was shivering so much that sense wasn't hitting me. He later moved to his place and did not look at me until we got down. I was just coming into senses when koyambedu bus stand arrived. I hadn't been there before and didn't know to read Tamil. I realised a little late after asking somebody for the name of the place that this is where I had to get down.

As I was getting up and pulling out my bags from the baggage loft somebody hit my back. Before I could turn and see, the guy had left. I know I should have seen if he was around and waited for him to go before I could get down. But, I was way too relieved to have reached intact.

I don't know how things would have been different had I shouted and abused him. I learnt a lesson for life.

All this just because I am a girl in her twenties and has the guts to travel alone or because they think I am travelling alone, thus modern and open to anything. This happened while I was totally covered by a blanket. Does it make a girl susceptible to severe damage just because she's independent and travels alone? What makes the guy invite himself? The questions are not going to stop and answers are too many.

Everybody has a say in it, some say the boy is at fault while some others say the girl is at fault. But, what beyond the talks? Its all no words and no action. what about the lakhs of girls facing such incidents day in and out? We can't stop going out and nor are we from aristocratically rich families wherein travelling in public transport is looked down upon.

This is happening widely and people have accepted it. People think raising voice against these small things are signs of immaturity. To all those who say this, you haven't faced it so don't talk, if you have then stand up against it. Why accept and let it grow?

Some say such things keep happening, the wiser would ignore and move. Probably, its true. But, these small things later lead to the big things and cause irreparable damage. Its good to move on but not ignore. But then how do we fight against it? If we shout or abuse they get provoked and resort to deadlier ways to avenge the insult. They override the laws and are wealthy enough to pay for the bail and damage, to come out easily and cause havoc.

A solution to this is the need of the hour. The more we delay, the more the damage is done. Waking up after everything is over will not solve the problem. We'll have to pluck out the malady from the root. And such incidents form the roots. If these are controlled then we could probably see a change for the better. And provide a safer place for the women to live.  

Probably I should have carried a pepper spray or something. But, then would that solve the problem?

Today its me, tomorrow it can be anybody.  Beware and be safe! And stand up, don't succumb.

Yeah, Its tonty wone now.

My hair fall rate has gone up drastically, my mom's been talking too much about marriage, suddenly everybody looks at me like the before-using-age-miracle kind of women in the commercial ads, people have started associating words like mature, responsible, thoughtful all of a sudden. No, I'm not turning 30, just 21.

Wondering why such hoopla? Because 21 sounds crazy. 21 sounds old. And yeah and people around me go,  oh! YOU ARE 21. Its not like I am turning 45, still unmarried and jobless sitting at home.

Anyways, I can only say, Its all in the mind. Okay I am sounding auntyish. The mind thing is true though.

I have my insecurities yes!, but that does not stop me from celebrating my birthday. I am legally an adult.

I have exams. So celebrations would happen a little post the actual date.

This could probably be the most experimental year by far. C'mon now I am sitting at home, jobless, hoping to crack the entrance exams by playing games, talking crap, sleeping, dreaming  and studying (occasionally).

Crossing the heart and hoping everything would fall in place.

Goodbye 20, you have been awesome in every way. Couldn't have asked for more. Ask 21 to be good and well behaved. 


tonty wone ( twenty one ) beckoning! :)